Saturday, December 31, 2011

Goodbye 2011 have not been the greatest year in my life. Actually it's been a real struggle for me. After coming off such a high in 2010 working & living in Georgia, coming back home to Oregon not having a job or friends in the same stage of life as me has been extremely difficult. There have been way too many days where I only changed out of pjs right before my parents got home from work just so I wouldn't feel so pathetic, only to put them back on a couple hours later. I worked a temporary job at the local in zoo in Food Services in hopes that I would be able to move into the animal department, but who am I kidding that doesn't happen. I ended up choosing to leave that position because it wasn't what I wanted and I wasn't happy. However I am not happy not working either. My hopes and dreams growing up and through college have been constantly shattered as the years pass. I'm not so sure anymore what life is supposed to hold for me. This year I've complelely struggled with self image and my weight. I lost over 30 pounds while working/living in Georgia only to come back home to Oregon and put it all back on. I feel disgusted and completely sick with myself. If I don't love myself how is it even possible for a man to love me? It's not! 2011 has been rough on me emotionally. I've defanitely gone through some major life crisis'. I am pretty sure that I am depressed and I'm tired of it. Today is the last day of 2011 and it's the worst of all of them. I'm in such a funk and a rut that I don't know how I'm going to be civil when people come over tonight. I'll just have to pull on my big girl panties and try.

This brings me to 2012. I really REALLY hope beyond all hopes of doubt that this year is My year and that this year allows me to start living the life that I want to. I need to get past this depression and realize that my hopes and dreams are just going to have to change or I'm going to have to do something to make them change.

That first step is defanitely going to be working on my self. I need to work on getting off those 30 lbs plus some. I'm dedicating myself to making small goals each week versus making resoultions. I don't stick to resolutions and they are a waste of time for me. I've set a goal this week to work out every single day in some way. Whether it be going for a walk, a dvd, an abs workout, whatever. I'm going to commit to this this week and if I fall one day I'll start over until I get thru seven days of working out and then move onto the next goal.
As well as working on my fitness I need to work on my outer appearance. Because I don't feel good about myself it shows on the outside and I don't take care of myself. I'm going to make an effort to try new makeup and try looking presentable to feel better about myself. Even if I'm not leaving the house, I want to look good. Hopefully by looking better on the outside it will help inner confidence to get out and meet new people.

I am hoping that 2012 will bring me a step towards a career path. I'm going to a conference at the beginning of February and I'm going to try real hard to connect with people to get into a career that I will love. If nothing comes from that I will re-evaluate my career path and see if I need to give up on a childhood dream and find something more realistic.

I realize this is kind of a depressing post but I needed this to evaluate where I am in life right now. If anybody has gone thru years like this, your advice for overcoming is defanitely appreciated. All I know is I need help and change to get out of this funk before I spiral even further into a dragging whole.
Well here's to saying goodbye to 2011 and saying Hello to 2012 and the year of ME!


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